back in the saddle

i am back home and it feels delightful. i walked into my apartment last night after a 7 hour drive and i was so happy to walk through that door. before, when i was drinking, i think i felt the stress of getting unpacked so that i could drink. since drinking was not on my radar, i walked in the door and i appreciated the space that i have been working on to create and i missed that sober space. i missed my essential oils, candles, diffuser, syds, routine….i am someone who thrives on having a routine. it works for me and gives me a sense of accomplishment, as well as peace. so i was also happy to get back to work. to get caught up, to get back to the process and be useful.

this was my first trip that did not include drinking. granted it was a pretty safe trip visiting my dad but we usually do drink. and i really had to own this decision that i have made. but it also was the first time that i was away from my boundaries. the protection that i have put up around me for success. luckily, it was an introduction to having to move away from my protective space. not to mention that its important that i start learning how to cope, as i will not always be set up for success. but i can do my best to lay down some sort of foundation for those times. i think the real first layer to that is vocalizing my intention to others and be upfront with what i want for myself. this requires confidence in the decision and to trust myself more than anyone or any situation.

it didn’t feel easy for me. especially faced with not being able to fall into past patterns of what i saw as relaxation and bonding. there was a lot of self conversation, where i reminded myself of the truth and not how i have conditioned myself to feel about how i felt. and in the end, it feels really good to come out on the other side and know that i did not give in to the same cycle of the last 14 years where i throw caution to the wind and think that it is all going to be okay, instead of realizing that it takes dedication to make something really work. it wouldn’t have “worked” for me to drink. i would have just thrown away all the real “work” that i have been doing.

and the thing i came to realize is that i love myself more than throwing caution to the wind and well, that was pretty cool 🙂

choosing love over fear

the other day i reluctantly decided to create a meetup group. i seem to have a real lack of friends and i thought this might be a good way to meet people. of course, it is a sober meetup. because of that i didn’t expect much response, but i decided to put it out there and see what happens. i was so nonchalant about it that i literally just created the title and i paid for the meetup group.

today i was overwhelmed that over 60 ppl joined or are trying to join. because i put my fear aside and i embraced love and its possibilities, i reached so many people looking for something that i can offer and provide. and this today, seemed like a miracle. a tiny miracle to remind me that when i put myself out there and do things that i fear, that love will be received and acknowledged in return. after all, isn’t sobriety about pushing outside of our comfort zones and doing the hard things? who would i be becoming if i wasn’t challenging myself? if i wasn’t following through on my intentions to grow and meet people – to create a personal community?

we must be ever present in our intentions and put a course of action in place. the rewards that we reap by seeing our action create such positivity and hope will strengthen us and enrich our self worth and being. please embrace love over fear and know that every step you take away from your fear brings you closer to the light that shines within you.

today i choose love over fear.

amplified

today i got an nvitation for amplified, which starts saturday and i am so excited. i am a huge fan of iAWAKE technologies and i am thrilled that this 21 day challenge has been put together and it’s free. you can check it out here http://www.amplifield.com/

tomorrow i have my first call with a recovery/life coach. i am excited and nervous. i think that it will be good to speak with someone about my individual plan. or put together a plan. i guess i am mostly interested to finally speak to somehow who has walked this path and become such an amazing successful woman.

today was a very busy day. it has also had its challenges. well, i guess almost every meal has had its challenges. it seems like everyone around me is drinking. does it make me want to drink? i don’t know. part of me just feels like i am missing out. part of me feels like my life wont be exciting any more. part of me is just sick of how much alcohol people consume and how they only seem to find joy when they are consuming it.

for some reason, i thought it would be easy to go away and not have other feelings come up, but the truth is, that i have built a safe place around me at home and it’s been away that i don’t have a set pattern. i am no longer prepared and protected. but, i am strong and resilient. and, i can do hard things. i don’t have all the answers. i am going to question this process. i am going to have a lot of questions, including to wonder if i have made the right choice. but i also do have some answers for myself, especially when i am being honest about what i want, who i want to be and where i see myself. and i want and see so much more for myself. and it isn’t just about drinking, but it is also about becoming and coming into myself. it is about owning who i deserve to be and giving myself that gift.

may cause miracles

dear inner guide,

i am committed to transforming my fears to love. i will open my heart and mind to love and i will let my intuition guide me. i welcome all the spiritual assignments that may come and i am ready, willing and able to smother my fears with the light of love. i choose to see love instead of fear.

with the upmost self love, b.

i listened to 3 amazing podcasts on my drive down south:

http://www.hipsobriety.com/home-podcast/2016/3/9/e

http://www.hipsobriety.com/home-podcast/2016/7/6/episode-51-money-with-meadow-devor

#1: Dr. Gabor Maté – Effects of Addiction on Brain, Heart, and Spirit

 

seventeen

worry less wednesday: i have a very long drive ahead of me. and this stresses me out greatly. i carry that with me for most of the drive typically. i feel like a hamster in a wheel for hours on end. but the reality is that i don’t have to be anywhere by a specific time. i don’t have to stress and worry. there is nothing to be uptight about and anxious over. i simply could just enjoy the drive…so i have gratitude that i have this time off work to go visit my dad and to spend the next few days digging into my sobriety more, while being in a new sober environment for myself. it is good for me to learn new ways and paths to nurture my sobriety and to embrace it in all aspects of my life. i grateful that i have the ability to do so.

between thursday and sunday, i hope to go back to the topic of miracles and how i have seen them coming forward in my life. i also wish to speak about my therapy session tonight. my therapist has been on vacation and it was complete news to her that i have quit drinking. i want to share my journey and how i came to this point.

it has just been a long night, which consisted mostly of being in an over crowded cafe waiting on pizza, while wondering if i were missing out, as people merrily drank and conversed. when those moments happen, i think about what would actually occur if i were to drink. honestly, there is nothing good that comes to mind. i think about one drink not being enough, how antsy and edgy i will feel, all the possible things that could happen that i would regret, how i wouldn’t actually feel relaxed or well. i recognize that i would be flooded with negative thoughts and fall back into a cycle that brings me nothing but harm. harm on my self worth, my body and sanity.

it is important to reflect upon where we came from. why we are here. how we got here. why it mattered enough to arrive at this spot. we must never forget. and while we must never forget, we must also forgive ourselves for our past and nurture our growth and strength. we must hold ourself close and be proud of every single step we have taken, even if there is still so much road left to cover. we all may begin somewhere but we never end. we are never finished. we are always becoming intricately who we are meant to be. we just must believe we are worth it. and YOU are worth it.

tommy rosen’s exciting news

Three Important Things I’ve Learned In My 25 Years Of Recovery From Addiction by tommy rosen from his new huffington post blog.

as well:

iTunes just released the very first episode of our brand new podcast called The Recovery 2.0 Power Hour.

First episode is with Dr. Gabor Maté and you will not want to miss it.

Please make sure to SUBSCRIBE to this Podcast TODAY.  It’s totally free and only takes 10 seconds.

You see, Apple really cares about who subscribes – with more subscriptions this podcast can rank higher on the charts and that will create more IMPACT and that means more people healing from addiction and living great lives in recovery.  Yeah!

Here’s how you can help:

From a Mobile Device…

1) Click this link 2) Click on “Subscribe” if you are on a mobile device.

From a Computer…

1) Click this link 2) Click on “View in iTunes”
3) Click “Subscribe”

That’s all you need to do.

I’m listing the first 20 episodes here to give you a sense of just how outstanding the lineup is going to be.

1. Dr. Gabor Maté : Effects of Addiction on Brain, Heart, and Spirit
2. Gabrielle Bernstein: Falling Off (and Getting Back on) the Spiritual Wagon
3. William Moyers: Understanding All Facets of Addiction
4. Bruce Lipton, PhD: Rewriting the Subconscious Mind
5. Nikki Myers: Requiem for Codependency
6. Nick Ortner: Tapping Away Physical and Emotional Pain
7. David Wolfe: The Epic Role of Food in Overcoming Addiction
8. Noah Levine: Refuge Recovery: A Buddhist Approach to Healing Addiction
9. Ashley Turner: Addiction, the Body and the Chakras
10. Herb Kaighan: The 12 Steps and Emotional Sobriety
11. Jamison Monroe: Cutting-Edge Approaches to Teen Recovery
12. Rolf Gates: Advanced Recovery Tools: The Compass and the Map
13. Jack Canfield: The 30 Day Sobriety Solution
14. Durga Leela: Restoring Your Life Force in Recovery
15. Robert Jameson: Continuously, Consciously Choosing: Relationships in Recovery
16. Guru Prem: The Primary Element of Recovery
17. Anand Mehrotra: The Highest Pass
18. Mastin Kipp: Healing the Original Incident
19. Guru Singh: How to Fit Perfectly in You
20. Richard Rohr: Contemplation and Action on the Road of Recovery

Click here to subscribe before the end of this day if possible and please let me know what you think!

stepping towards boundaries

tonight i had a friend contact me and ask me if i wanted to meet for a drink tomorrow night. i simply replied, “i don’t drink any more”. his response was, “ever?”.  me, “no” and some time passed and then he said, “so you won’t have a drink with me?” again i simply replied, “no”. and then i thought about it and i asked, “what are you doing tomorrow around 6:30? we could meet for pizza at the cafe. it’s pizza tuesday”. he responded, “okay but i am going to throw some back”. mind you, the cafe only has a beer and wine selection and he likes hard liquor. they are also a coffee shop, so their alcohol selection is sparse.

i took a moment and i checked in with myself and i did not feel comfortable with this so i answered, “let’s just meet some other time then.” moments later, i get “well i am always going to want to drink when we are out”. and with that, i just simply stopped responding.

i don’t think that it was too much to suggest that we meet at 6:30 and then he could go off afterwards and do the drinking he feels that he needs to do. right now, it is not my concern or my problem to worry about his drinking. it isn’t that i would want to drink if he was drinking, but simply i knew that it would make me uncomfortable. it isn’t a situation that i want to be in. i also know that by him drinking, we most likely would not relate on the proper level. again, i don’t need to compromise myself right now to make sure that he can have his alcohol. this journey, at this moment is about making sure that i am safe. that i am tuning into myself and respecting the boundaries i need.

and it isn’t your problem either to cater to people’s needs that put you in an uncomfortable space when you are working to make yourself healthy and whole. we don’t need to take on other people’s issues, insecurities and fragments. and that is OK. it is OK to put yourself first and make sure that you are safe and secure. this is YOUR life. this is MY life. part of taking these steps in sobriety is to make sure that we do finally find a way to be healthy and manage ourselves properly. and simply put, there is and should be no shame in that.

 

miracles

the weekend has presented me with some miracles. it’s amazing how when you start to look for something more, more comes to you. i will expand upon this more later but i head to bed with an open heart and a willingness to give and receive.