i am back home and it feels delightful. i walked into my apartment last night after a 7 hour drive and i was so happy to walk through that door. before, when i was drinking, i think i felt the stress of getting unpacked so that i could drink. since drinking was not on my radar, i walked in the door and i appreciated the space that i have been working on to create and i missed that sober space. i missed my essential oils, candles, diffuser, syds, routine….i am someone who thrives on having a routine. it works for me and gives me a sense of accomplishment, as well as peace. so i was also happy to get back to work. to get caught up, to get back to the process and be useful.
this was my first trip that did not include drinking. granted it was a pretty safe trip visiting my dad but we usually do drink. and i really had to own this decision that i have made. but it also was the first time that i was away from my boundaries. the protection that i have put up around me for success. luckily, it was an introduction to having to move away from my protective space. not to mention that its important that i start learning how to cope, as i will not always be set up for success. but i can do my best to lay down some sort of foundation for those times. i think the real first layer to that is vocalizing my intention to others and be upfront with what i want for myself. this requires confidence in the decision and to trust myself more than anyone or any situation.
it didn’t feel easy for me. especially faced with not being able to fall into past patterns of what i saw as relaxation and bonding. there was a lot of self conversation, where i reminded myself of the truth and not how i have conditioned myself to feel about how i felt. and in the end, it feels really good to come out on the other side and know that i did not give in to the same cycle of the last 14 years where i throw caution to the wind and think that it is all going to be okay, instead of realizing that it takes dedication to make something really work. it wouldn’t have “worked” for me to drink. i would have just thrown away all the real “work” that i have been doing.
and the thing i came to realize is that i love myself more than throwing caution to the wind and well, that was pretty cool 🙂
the arrow and the diamond 